lessons from a dark place

The death of someone you love can often be derailing.  All consuming.  

Even weeks and months later, reminders of the loss can trigger a further cascade of  confusion and pain.  You want to move on but you can't and you know it's affecting your performance and relationships.  

Welcome to the human race.  All sentient people will occasionally experience moments when they are   propelled into a cocktail of unpleasant grief emotions -  and they will be, despite best intentions,  derailing.  Business people, in particular, feel they need to stand up tall, show some backbone, but in their hearts and minds, they want to curl into a ball.  To their colleagues, they may seem anything from robotic and detached to overly emotional and intolerant.  They are not, it seems, the same person, they used to be.

When you encounter this situation in your business it's worth remembering that the situation is not a problem to be solved - it's not a client to be won, an invoice to be a chased or a product to be launched.  The essence of humanity and how we respond to significant loss are varied and often an intense interaction of our hormones, creating unexpected and unpredictable responses.  

So how then can one help colleagues who are experiencing grief? The following pointers might be helpful:

• Give it Time.  
  Adjusting to the loss of someone can take years, others respond more quickly - and the tricky thing is no-one knows how they will react.  Try not to set time limits, overt or implied.  Your patience and empathy will be highly valued by your colleague and will also signal to others that mental health and wellbeing is a priority for the organisation.
• Be flexible.  
  Especially at the outset, be prepared to adjust the colleagues work pattern and responsibilities.   Be prepared to let them work remotely, easing them back to their workplace.  Check how they are regularly and how they are getting on - do they need further support?  
• Let them know you care.  
  Make time and space to talk to them and listen to them.  Let them know they can talk about their loss and in doing so you will help them process their thoughts and emotions.  Keep doing this  - just because they don't talk about their loss or are not outwardly displaying their emotions, doesn't mean they aren't hurting. 
• Help others to help them.  
  Let their colleagues know what has happened and how they want to be supported.  Remind colleagues that their adjustment will take time.
• Safe space.
  In the immediate aftermath of bereavement, shock reactions will mean that the individual will need a safe space where they can feel secure and process their thoughts.  It is possible that you and the business might provide the environment, relationship and support that might be that safe space.

Over time, things will get better - the path to acceptance can be a long one and even then, sadness may remain.   As a business, your support may be critical and one that will be appreciated by your colleague for years to come.

​Chris Lorimer is a highly experienced business coach who helps those who are experiencing difficult circumstances, including bereavement.  He is an accredited trainer and coach of Emotional Logic.